A Mix of Emotions

Today was the first day back to school for Axl after the long Christmas break. We haven't talked much about it, because I didn't want him to dwell on what he viewed as doom's day. Secretly, I have been counting down the days, on the verge of counting hours. I've missed my quiet mornings at home alone, not hearing my name yelled down the hall. This was to be my special morning. I could see it in my mind;  me, my Pepsi, my words and nothing else. For days it's been like a mirage calling my name, a beautiful vision glowing and shimmering, and now it's finally here.

I cannot tell a lie, it has been good. I have gotten so many wonderful things done, so many complete, uninterrupted thoughts have found their way into the inner confines of my brain and each one has been welcomed like a long lost friend. But, there's more here than I had envisioned. There's also a sadness that today I won't have "hug downs." I won't have a scrawny little fellow crawl up in my lap and say, "I need some lovin'" before he's off again to man the battle raging between the cowboys and indians. There'll be no games of Old Maid, or Batman Movie marathons, and there will be no one screaming my name simply because they need to know I'm still close by - not for a few more hours anyway.

Oh it won't take long for me to be counting down the hours until bedtime, but in the meantime I miss little Ax. My heart is swollen with gratefulness that Jesus has blessed me with this healthy little man whom I adore and have the privilege of raising to be a mighty man of God.

Lysa Terkeurst, an amazing speaker and powerful woman of God, posted on her blog this daily prayer for her children. I have adopted it as well. One day, if I can get Axl's permission,  I will share the heart-warming, hilarious events that have unfolded because of it. It goes like this:

1. God, make this child one of the most godly people of their generation.

2. God, let them get caught when they make wrong choices.

3. God, save them from the wrong friends and the wrong mate, so they may be saved for the right friends and the right mate. 


This is quoted directly from Lysa's blog, which I highly recommend. You can get there from this page. Visit it and visit it often.

With Much Love

Tonya

Do It...Do It Now!

My husband and I say it all the time, "Do it...Do it now!" We say it randomly and jokingly, just one of those weird things couples do that no one else understands. We're convinced it's from a movie, but neither of us can remember which one. Ha! I just Googled it. Why didn't I think of that before? FYI...It's from "Predator."  I have to tell you that knowing kind of takes the fun out of it. Maybe I won't tell him. I can just taunt him with the knowledge. There, it's fun again.

I bring this up, because it has also become an internal mantra of mine. Like I stated yesterday, I am a procrastinator, but not about the big stuff. Surprisingly, it's the smallest, most mundane tasks that I put off, leaving them to lurk over me, hiding in the shadows, calling out to me, "You can't relax, you still haven't called the plumber." Random example, but you get the point. It's not big stuff, but I turn it into something huge by putting it off and then dwelling on it for days. Then I do it, and ahhhh...sweet relief. Check it off the list - I am an avid list maker. So at any moment I may have 3 phone calls and 2 errands distracting me from fully listening to what you have to say.

I joke and I down play it now, but it's not always so funny. There have been times when I've put off phone calls for so long that they never got made, and friendships were broken. Thrift store drop-offs ignored to the point that donated items got thrown away, because it became easier to discard the evidence of my apathy than make the effort to correct it. Mindless tasks that I dread so intently get left undone for so long that they build up inside me and I begin to feel like they are crushing the life out of me.

I started this post as a result of finally getting several calls made and the relief that it brought me, but as I'm writing it God is bringing to mind the ultimate phone call that needs to me made. The one in which I must ask for forgiveness again from a friend whom I've put off on more than one occasion. Honestly, it should read, "more times than I can count," but I was afraid that would make me sound like a horrible friend. In the spirit of transparency, however, the latter rendition is the most accurate as is the evaluation that she has been a much better friend to me than I to her.

So, I'm leaving off the other witty banter I had planned for this post and getting on to doing the work of it. I will conclude with this: Whatever task is hanging over you, whatever God is calling you to, but you've put off out of fear, dread, or the unknown Do It...Do It Now! Do the work -

1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.



With Much Love,

Tonya

It's A Love Hate Relationship

It's true. I have a love hate relationship with the New Year. On one hand, it offers an amazing opportunity to evaluate my life, to take inventory of the good, nurturing those parts, while analyzing the bad, attempting to eliminate the things which do me harm both physically and spiritually. The proverbial other hand, however, holds the part of the New Year which has plagued me for many years. It's this part that reminds me that so much of the bad that I have attempted to eliminate in the past still stares me in the face.

I gave up on New Year's resolutions long ago. Anybody with me?  Years ago, I would spend hours internalizing perfectly worded statements of new year intentions. Every part of me expected the changing of the calendar to be the recipe for newness; so long grumpy, sarcastic, procrastinating Tonya. Any set back spelled failure and while I tell Axl on a daily basis to never give up I am a classic quitter (Sorry, transparency is not always pretty).  So I resolve to make no resolutions. Yet I cannot escape the temptation to evaluate and look to the hopes of the year ahead. The process this year has been less ummm shall we say... depressing. This year is screaming, "Growth!" Not "Change!" Obviously, with growth comes change, but growth is a process made up of small, gradual changes. I'm not looking to be a new me in a day. I'm solely seeking to continue the process that Jesus began in me when He sealed my fate and made me His own.

Growth is a choice. I can hear countless sermons, read endless devotions, and sing a thousand worship songs and never grow out of myself. This day I am choosing to continue to seek after Jesus, to have more and more of Him and less and less of me. I am choosing to accept that I will fail, and I am choosing now to accept the strength He will give me to begin again. I am choosing to ground myself in the Word of the Father, arming myself against defeat. Today, I am choosing to live as a forgiven, broken, but on the mend, child of the one true eternal God. I am making this choice for today, praying that tomorrow my choice will be the same.

Verses that are guiding me today:

Phillipians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.


Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh answer stirs up anger.


James 1:18-20 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because anger does not breed the righteousness that God desires.


You may want to check out "The Choice," a poem by Max Lucado. http://www.maxlucado.com/static/email_archive/2010/06.20.html


With Much Love,


Tonya

Maybe He could just waive His hands

Warren, Axl and I had dinner at an Italian restaurant one day last week, all of us, all THREE of us ate off the menu, no smuggled in chicken nuggets involved. This one sentence alone is worthy of an entire post of praise. We experienced a small miracle in our family and an answer to long-term prayer. Family dinners aren’t always spiritual experiences, but that night was delightful.

Axl is our five-year-old little boy and while he has good five-year-old boy manners, he doesn’t always meet the mommy standard. So, once again, I reminded him that if someone, in this case the lovely waitress, speaks to him he should drop everything, look at them, and speak back. Exasperated, I said, “What can I do to help you remember this? Do you need to go to bed early, lose a toy? What would help you?” Axl’s very serious reply was, “I don’t know, maybe you could just waive your hands to remind me.” At which point, he demonstrated the very lively hand motions that would no doubt capture his attention and not so subtly say, “Hey, this is one of those times when I need you to do the right thing.” I tried to explain the fullness of my meaning through my laughter, but the moment had passed.

I think Axl was really on to something. Wouldn’t it be so nice if Heavenly hands could just reach down and waive back and forth to get our attention? “Hey, this person needs to hear about My forgiveness today.” “Hey, this is one of those times when people are taking note of your reaction – Do the right thing.” Or “Hey, this is the way to go, turn now.” The thing is, while we may not see lively hand motions from above, the Holy Spirit is the internal equivalent. The Bible teaches that He leads (Luke 4:1), empowers (Acts 1:8), and instructs (Acts 1:2) us.

One of my favorite verses, Isaiah 30:21 says, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” I know that this reality is available to me, but I don’t always take advantage of it. The reasons are numerous, but they all lead back to my lifeline of prayer. When we accept Christ as our savior, we are indwelt with the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:37-39). We have all of Him that we are ever going to get, the only variable is how much of us is He going to get. We have to allow ourselves to be close enough to Him, so that when He whispers in our ear, “This one. She needs to hear about Me.”, we are in tune enough to recognize His voice and trust that He’s waving His Heavenly hands. A very dear friend and mentor once told me that it resembled phone conversations with a friend. If you speak to someone often, you recognize the voice right away. If you don’t speak to them often, their voice is unfamiliar and strange. The same is true with the Holy Spirit.

Over the years, I’ve struggled with prayer. Sometimes it just plain stresses me out. I start to pray for the struggles in my own life, then the needs of my family, this country, this world, and I get overwhelmed and then, I quit. I think, God knows the needs; He doesn’t need me to point them out, and with that I can avoid the stress. The Bible’s instruction contradicts that line of reasoning. Yes, God does know the needs, and while He doesn’t need me to point them out He has called, commanded me as a believer to bring them to Him, to leave the stress at His feet (2 Chronicles 7:14, Mark 11:23-35). Communication is the key to any great relationship, the relationship we have with Jesus is no different.

Axl was right, waiving hands are an effective prompt to capture someone’s attention, but it’s the internal still small voice of God that believers rely on for direction. In the same way Axl will mature and learn to rely less on parental prompts, believers grow and mature in their faith, recognizing with greater clarity the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

With much love,

I'll Have What She's Having

Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other. Galatians 5:25-26

Remember that great scene from When Harry Met Sally where Sally, Meg Ryan, is in the deli having lunch with Harry, Billy Crystal, and she very dramatically acts out an – I obviously didn’t think through this – hmmm, all out “ physical peak” (that’s an actual synonym from a real thesaurus).  Then, the lady sitting beside her tells the waiter, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Do you ever do that? Get a glimpse of someone else’s world and think ohhh, “I’ll have what she’s having.” I know I do. The problem is that we never get the back-story, the real story of what’s behind the beautiful picture. We forget that every well put together life has its messy parts. Take Sally for instance, she appears to be carefree, at the height of physical joy and happiness. As viewers, however, we know that Sally is alone and in the midst of a desperate search to find love and meaning. Her reality is the complete opposite of the glimpse that the lady from the deli witnesses in their brief encounter.

I have a couple of blogs that I check in on periodically, women who are great storytellers and whose humor I can really relate to. A couple of weeks ago I was making the rounds, and I noticed that one of these great blog posts had 38 comments. 38. I wanted 38 comments, and before I knew it, I wanted her blog, her graphics, her ministry, her speaking topics, her followers. “I’ll have what she’s having thank you very much.”

I'm sure that I've mentioned before and will again that I’m pretty very moody, and this is the kind of thing that sends me into a nose dive, tail spin, all things bad kind of a mood. I had a pity party, everyone invited/forced to attend if you live in my house. I knew nothing about this woman’s life, her struggles, or her family, yet I had this vision of her highly successful, wonderful life full of wit and wisdom. Why does God need me when He has her?

Eventually, I snapped back into reality and realized that I had been a blogger for all of 5 minutes. I’d made 3 posts and had told exactly 3 people that a blog with my name attached to it even existed. Of those 3, maybe two could have told you the name and only 1 had ever read a single word that had been written here. I am proud to say that that number has now doubled.

I was at a speaking conference recently, and many of the speakers there talked about each individual’s sphere of influence. I was reminded of that. God has placed me here in this community, in this ministry, to reach the people that He puts in my path. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “I know the plans I have for you…” I want those plans, the plans He has for me, even if that includes a blog with 0 comments, maybe 2 comments, okay 0 comments, but 2 would be nice. 


With much love,


Tonya

Loving the Unlovely

We all know that if you pray for patience you better mean it, because God is going to lovingly try your last nerve. What about praying for humility? Be serious about this one too, because again God is going to lovingly supply you with an opportunity to make a fool of yourself. He knows, like we know, that we learn from experience. I can tell Axl how to ride a bike, but until he experiences it he can't possibly know how to do it. I don't need to point out the obvious correlation between falling off the bike and falling in our attempts to be patient and humble do I? I didn't think so.

Okay, so what about this prayer, "God help me to love like you love." This has been my prayer recently, because like I stated yesterday, I often don't, um honestly that should read, don't often react with love. Of course, I'm a sentimental sap who cries at gymnastics, but I struggle with loving the unlovely. You know the ones who drive slow in the left lane, mumble at the drive thru, and text while they're walking. While these things may make the most loving person frustrated, they send me into a tirade causing my heart to blacken and my mouth to light up. Seriously, waiter's, clerks, old ladies and small children (I kid with the last two...kind of) they don't see a lot of Jesus in me. My prayer has been that my mouth and my attitude would become so disgusting to me that I would have no choice but to respond differently, to respond with love. Now, maybe you all knew this and didn't share it with me (we'll deal with that later) or maybe you too had no idea that when you pray this prayer God will lovingly bring every unlovely person within a 10 mile radius into your path on a daily basis.

Now, what do you do with such a warning? My advice - completely disregard it. Be prepared, but don't let it stand in your way of seeking to love others like He does. One amazing thing that has happened over the last few week is that I have become very aware of all the times that I am being unlovely to my Jesus throughout the day. I remember that He is loving me in the midst of it and it reminds me that if He, perfect, holy, God can love me while engaging in the activities that sent Him to a cross then I can certainly love the lady driving 5 miles UNDER the speed limit making me 6 minutes late to the encounter I have planned with the man at Burger King who will struggle to hear me say "Whopper."

In giving me so many opportunities to practice loving more like Him, I have had some successes. Warren and Axl are probably sad that they missed them...I kid I kid. My attitude and my mouth are becoming disgusting to me, and my heart is stretching as I give more of it to the Holy Spirit. And like the song says I know that, "He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be. How loving and patient He must be, 'cause He's still working on me." Thank you Jesus for that.

With much love,

Tonya

Sometimes the Devil Uses Strollers...Wait. Is that appropriate?

Last Monday Axl became a gymnast. He's done t-ball, soccer, and tumbling, but the one thing he's always wanted to try was gymnastics. So, when his first class finally arrived we were so excited that we could have done cartwheels all the way there. That is if either one of us knew how to do cartwheels. When we walked in - late - all the good seats for spectating were taken so I took my position in an inconspicuous corner, sure I was standing, but I could see all the stations. Honestly, I had the best seat space in the house, that is, until daddy with the stroller and no apparent spectator etiquette showed up. So as you can imagine, stroller daddy came and stood right in front of me. I dashed and darted from side to side, but there was no shaking him. He mirrored my every move. He was good. So,while Axl was high flying and propelling his little body into a large pit of foam, I was playing defense, working for every sneak peek of his attempts. I might add that he was quite good, and you have to know that I teared up thinking "I'll remember this day - his first day - when he accepts his first Olympic gold medal." 


As my frustration increased, so did my exaggerated body movements which paled in comparison to my elevated sighs and huffs. The man didn't notice. I looked around. Surely someone else was catching the injustice that was being done here. If I could just make eye contact with someone then I could give them the look. You know the one that says, "Can you believe the nerve of this person?" I always respond, "I'm with ya sista" when I get the look. Where was my person? Who was with me on this? No one. No one else noticed, because they were all sitting quietly in their seats watching their gymnasts - they had arrived on time. At this point, he was stealing my joy and I had gone into the bad place. 


I left there realizing that stroller daddy was a lot like the devil. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm speaking figuratively here, well mostly. He will get in our way, mirror our moves, forcing us to play defense, unless we choose to go on the offense, which I could have very easily done by switching sides of the room. Instead, I chose to stay put, battling toe to toe with a person who had no regard for my well being. One significant difference between stroller daddy and the devil - admittedly there are many - is that the daddy didn't intend to do me harm or to steal my joy, that cannot be said for the devil. Scripture makes it clear that the devil not only means to do me harm, he seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. He is constantly looking for ways to get in my path, blocking my eyes from resting on the Father in the same way this oblivious man was blocking my eyes from Axl. 


I can huff, puff, mope and moan about all the ways the devil seeks to rob me of the peace and joy that I have in the Father or I can equip myself for battle, knowing that I don't have to face him alone. I struggle with this. I am easily agitated and my reactions often times don't reflect my Jesus. My continuing prayer is that Jesus will gently remind me that the devil delights in my playing defense alone. He loves using everyday inconsiderations to mess with me and as a result rob Jesus of the Glory that is rightfully His when I react with love and patience. 


It would just be easier if Jesus could keep all the rude people away from me, but since that's currently not His plan I'm taking more deep breathes, reflecting often on James 1:19-27 , and taking a book to gymnastics tonight.


With much love,


Tonya