It's An Ongoing Battle of the Tongue

Contentment is an ongoing battle in this household. “Why can’t you just be satisfied with what you have?” Oh if I had a nickel…Last Christmas, Veggie Tales released a new movie, It’s a Meaningful Life, and it dealt with, you guessed it, contentment. Needless to say, I swooped it up, made the popcorn, popped it in and movie night was on in the Stiles house – nothing like a good illustration to drive my point home. The experience would not have been complete without discussion breaks and hypothetical scenarios to practice the valuable lessons we were gleaning from our veggie friends.

As you know, because I’ve told you so many times before, my mouth is another ongoing battle. Not so much in my house as in my life. So being the Good Father that He is, God provided me, the rebellious child, with my own perfect illustration. I doubt that popcorn was a part of the experience, but I know He was watching, and I feel confident He will provide me with real life opportunities to repeat the grace shown to me by sweet Lori, who put out my fiery tongue with syrup and molasses.

We have construction going on in our home right now. It’s been on and off for four years, but it’s been every day since September 1st. Each day is filled with questions, decisions, endless banging, deliveries, catastrophes, and people. People everywhere. We are living in the end days, however, and the finale is in sight. Furniture that has been back ordered for months is slowly trickling in. Our bedroom was finally ready for the new bed. It was the lone piece that had arrived on time way back in October. Since those colorful autumn days the solid frame has been moved from room to room, waiting patiently for its permanent home. Friday was the day. Assembly commenced, but in the end it was not to be. Headboard – one size. Footboard – another. It was the final blow in a day wrought with disaster.

Lori answered the phone of the company who has held my furniture hostage for months and sabotaged the single piece that had made its way home. Within seconds she knew I was angry, no furious, and while I assured her that I meant no harm to her personally I made it clear that I had “Reached the Peak of FRUSTRATION With This Company.” Through angry tears I laid all of my frustrations at Lori’s feet, and in graciousness and calm Lori simply listened. When she finally spoke, her words were gentle and sincere, not at all defensive, or put off. Lori was truly interested in what had gone wrong and even though I had been so ugly, Lori responded beautifully with kind words and a helpful spirit.

My anger subsided. I knew Lori was living out Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger,” and I knew that Jesus was using her to speak into the depths of my soul. I doodle when I’m on the phone and about Lori I wrote, “Jesus used her today.” I don’t know if Lori reacted out of her love for Jesus, good customer service training, or both, but I know, whether she did or not, that Jesus was using her in that moment to minister to a stranger. What a beautiful picture of God’s Word being lived out.

Notice the “heaping coals” I also doodled. It comes from Proverbs 25:21-23, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.”

With Much Love,

Tonya

Praying Faith Part 2 of Praying Peace

I posted recently my struggle between whether to pray peace or pray contentment for Axl throughout the year. The choice was important and did need to be prayerfully considered, but really it went much deeper than that for me. For me, it became my need to help God help Axl.

After Warren’s prayer, I told him my conflict between the two words and the thoughts that surrounded the choice. It was when I expressed the process out loud that God revealed to me that my anxiety had been about control, specifically my desire to control God. I wanted to control God, because I didn’t trust that He could really understand what Axl needed without my fully explaining it to Him.

I’ve tried to revise and reword that so it didn’t say anything remotely close to “I didn’t trust”, but to say it any other way is simply a lie. Please know that while there is now no more condemnation for believers, there absolutely is conviction of sin by the Holy Spirit and thank you God for it. I looked at Warren as the realization flooded over ever ounce of my being and simply said, “I was trying to control God.” Oh my goodness my heart was broken. My sin was obvious. I had not trusted.

More than ten years ago a college professor told my class that control was a sign of insecurity. Mortified at the possibility of my being insecure - can you even imagine? (I hope sarcasm translates on paper) - I made it clear to my classmates that my control issue came directly as a result of my arrogance. Sad, that I thought arrogance was a much more attractive quality than insecurity. To me, no one could possibly do any job as good as I could and for that reason I sought to control every aspect of a project. Team player I was not. Now I understand that my professor and I were both mistaken in our evaluation of control.

At the heart of control is a lack of trust. When I seek to control my loved ones it is because I don’t trust them to make the best decisions without my help. And when I sought to control God it was the same. How arrogant of me to presume that they need my help – that the One who holds the universe could possibly benefit from any explanation or advice that I might offer.

My controlling nature is an aspect of my personality that I have accepted and many times have worn like a badge of honor. I let myself believe that it doesn’t really hurt anybody. After all, I affirm my husband as the head of our house and I try desperately not to cross the boundary there. We laugh as if it’s just another quirky quality. The truth of the matter is that the need to control is rooted in sin, and harboring a little sin because it makes me feel better inevitably leads me into areas of greater temptation and deeper in sin. Like going from trying to control my loved ones to trying to control God.

One of my first jobs was as a receptionist at a local hair salon. I started in steamy July and for any self-respecting, eighteen-year-old, southern girl going to work in the “beauty parlor”, that meant wearing the cutest open toed shoes that one could find. What I didn’t know is that freshly cut hair can act like a splinter, and my super cute sandals provided the perfect entry point for tiny chards of hair to get under my skin and become embedded. Now, tiny slithers of hair are well, tiny and the first time one of them made it self at home in my skin I wasn’t immediately aware of it. After a few days of walking around, however, I can assure you that it made its presence known. It started to hurt, and then it started to ache, and before long every step was an excruciating task that I would liken to walking on nails, if I had ever done so. Like a splinter, removing it was painful, but once it was out, the pain subsided and the hurt that it brought went away. After my first encounter with a hair splinter, I learned to come home each day and make sure that there were no hairs under the skin, and if they were, to deal with them immediately.

Isn’t sin so the same way. Hard to notice at first, but once it’s embedded it’s painful to deal with and painful to remove. The daily hair checks remind me that I have to be as diligent with my soul, continually asking God to search my heart and make sin known to me.

Psalms 139:23-24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

The Transparent Me has been a great way for God to point out my offensive ways, and it culminated that day in the car on the way to the airport. My sticky note had a p.s. and it read:

p.s. You need to lose control!

So this year while I’m praying peace for Axl, I’m praying faith for me.

With much love,

Tonya

Praying Peace

Okay, so I told you that I love Lysa TerKeurst’s ministry and blog. If you haven’t checked it out, do so. God has really equipped her with a powerful message for women. It is practical, entertaining, and above all it's life changing. About a week ago she had a great post about praying a one-word prayer for each of her children over the course of the year.

Immediately I loved the idea. Simple. I can do simple. I began to reflect on Axl. What one word would embody my hearts desire for him in the upcoming year? Peace. Maybe contentment. He’s a little high strung, much like his mother, so definitely peace or maybe contentment. See how I like to take simple and make it complicated. Maybe I could modify the idea and make it two words: peace AND contentment. And so went my mind reeling for a couple of days over the very important decision between peace and contentment. Peace comes with contentment, so it should be contentment. Contentment seems limiting, so it should be peace. I know. Please tell me you’re like this too…

In the end, it was clear that my prayer for Axl this year was simply peace. God confirmed it in an amazingly sweet way. As Warren and I were headed to the airport Saturday morning, Warren prayed about our trip and for Axl who was staying home. I knew his prayer before it left his sweet lips, “God, please let Axl have peace while we are away.” I had not discussed with him at all the one-word prayer dilemma. Tears erupted and my heart swelled.

I call these moments “Sticky Notes From Jesus.” They’re not sea splitting miracles of life, but they are small gestures that remind us that Jesus is ever present in the details of our lives. Have you ever gotten a sticky note from a spouse or loved one? They always seem to show up at just the right moment. The thing I love most about sticky notes is the planning involved. Whether they’re tucked in a book, a lunchbox, or placed on the bathroom mirror, someone had to have the forethought to get it there. The same is true about sticky notes from Jesus. He sees our lives, knows our struggles, and knows the precise moment to reach down and say, “Hey, just wanted you to know that I get your concern over peace or contentment. I think Peace. I Love You. Signed, Jesus.”

I believe that sticky notes from Jesus are all around us. I believe they come in the form of front row parking spaces, favorite songs on the radio, and the words of those we encounter on a daily basis. Jesus is speaking, in fact, He is screaming, “I know you. I love you. I care.”

Be on the lookout. I pray that today you will find a sticky note from Jesus.

With much love,

Tonya

We Don't Say That

There are words that good girls don’t say, especially good Christian girls. Right? Oh, I hope not, because if that’s true I am neither good nor Christian. How about there are words that people shouldn’t say, but sometimes they do, and their hearts are heavy because of it, and then they go to the feet of the Father again, and seek forgiveness with true repentance in their heart, and they live to fight the battle of the potty mouth another day.

My mouth is not the sinful dwelling place for hideous language that it once was, but some days I still lose the battle. I did Monday night, when in the frustration of the moment I said THE bad word…twice; at the dinner table; in a restaurant; in front of other people. I obviously never claim to be perfect, but sometimes I feel like such a phony - women’s ministry, blogging for Jesus – really?

I am convinced I could post everyday and everyday would reveal a new, equally sinful, equally yucky struggle of the flesh that creeps into the crevices of my life and attempts to dig roots and make a home there. Oh, how I love me some Paul when he says, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15).”

Who am I, Miss Foul Mouth, to share the hope of Jesus with anyone? Knocked down, but not defeated that’s who I am. Oh, the enemy would love to keep me there, dancing around in a pit of self-loathing, defining my existence by a moment, but then there's Jesus. Jesus whose truth speaks with more authority over my soul than the limited power of the tongue tempter.  I know that through His blood I am redeemed, rescued from the dominion of darkness and brought into His Kingdom, and there I find no condemnation. There I find grace, there I find healing, there I find strength to get to the heart of the mouth issue, and there I find freedom from it. Jesus is not condoning my words or the heart that produced them; He is calling me out of that mire to get about the business of my Father. If I wait until I have it all together to feel equipped to share His love, then I’ll never take one step forward.

When sins of the past creep back into your life, do you allow yourself to become despondent and defeated or do you run to the refuge of the Redeemer, seeking forgiveness, knowing that He has paid the price so that you can freely receive it?

I thank my sweet Jesus that my tongue is not the wild, unbridled beast that it used to be. I pray that He would continue to grow me in the area of self-control until it is totally tamed and capable only of words of love and edification. As you can imagine, I am still firmly parked at Proverbs 15:1.

These verses encouraged me today:

Ephesians 1:7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.

Colossians 1:13 For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves…

Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…

With much love,

Tonya

A Mix of Emotions

Today was the first day back to school for Axl after the long Christmas break. We haven't talked much about it, because I didn't want him to dwell on what he viewed as doom's day. Secretly, I have been counting down the days, on the verge of counting hours. I've missed my quiet mornings at home alone, not hearing my name yelled down the hall. This was to be my special morning. I could see it in my mind;  me, my Pepsi, my words and nothing else. For days it's been like a mirage calling my name, a beautiful vision glowing and shimmering, and now it's finally here.

I cannot tell a lie, it has been good. I have gotten so many wonderful things done, so many complete, uninterrupted thoughts have found their way into the inner confines of my brain and each one has been welcomed like a long lost friend. But, there's more here than I had envisioned. There's also a sadness that today I won't have "hug downs." I won't have a scrawny little fellow crawl up in my lap and say, "I need some lovin'" before he's off again to man the battle raging between the cowboys and indians. There'll be no games of Old Maid, or Batman Movie marathons, and there will be no one screaming my name simply because they need to know I'm still close by - not for a few more hours anyway.

Oh it won't take long for me to be counting down the hours until bedtime, but in the meantime I miss little Ax. My heart is swollen with gratefulness that Jesus has blessed me with this healthy little man whom I adore and have the privilege of raising to be a mighty man of God.

Lysa Terkeurst, an amazing speaker and powerful woman of God, posted on her blog this daily prayer for her children. I have adopted it as well. One day, if I can get Axl's permission,  I will share the heart-warming, hilarious events that have unfolded because of it. It goes like this:

1. God, make this child one of the most godly people of their generation.

2. God, let them get caught when they make wrong choices.

3. God, save them from the wrong friends and the wrong mate, so they may be saved for the right friends and the right mate. 


This is quoted directly from Lysa's blog, which I highly recommend. You can get there from this page. Visit it and visit it often.

With Much Love

Tonya

Do It...Do It Now!

My husband and I say it all the time, "Do it...Do it now!" We say it randomly and jokingly, just one of those weird things couples do that no one else understands. We're convinced it's from a movie, but neither of us can remember which one. Ha! I just Googled it. Why didn't I think of that before? FYI...It's from "Predator."  I have to tell you that knowing kind of takes the fun out of it. Maybe I won't tell him. I can just taunt him with the knowledge. There, it's fun again.

I bring this up, because it has also become an internal mantra of mine. Like I stated yesterday, I am a procrastinator, but not about the big stuff. Surprisingly, it's the smallest, most mundane tasks that I put off, leaving them to lurk over me, hiding in the shadows, calling out to me, "You can't relax, you still haven't called the plumber." Random example, but you get the point. It's not big stuff, but I turn it into something huge by putting it off and then dwelling on it for days. Then I do it, and ahhhh...sweet relief. Check it off the list - I am an avid list maker. So at any moment I may have 3 phone calls and 2 errands distracting me from fully listening to what you have to say.

I joke and I down play it now, but it's not always so funny. There have been times when I've put off phone calls for so long that they never got made, and friendships were broken. Thrift store drop-offs ignored to the point that donated items got thrown away, because it became easier to discard the evidence of my apathy than make the effort to correct it. Mindless tasks that I dread so intently get left undone for so long that they build up inside me and I begin to feel like they are crushing the life out of me.

I started this post as a result of finally getting several calls made and the relief that it brought me, but as I'm writing it God is bringing to mind the ultimate phone call that needs to me made. The one in which I must ask for forgiveness again from a friend whom I've put off on more than one occasion. Honestly, it should read, "more times than I can count," but I was afraid that would make me sound like a horrible friend. In the spirit of transparency, however, the latter rendition is the most accurate as is the evaluation that she has been a much better friend to me than I to her.

So, I'm leaving off the other witty banter I had planned for this post and getting on to doing the work of it. I will conclude with this: Whatever task is hanging over you, whatever God is calling you to, but you've put off out of fear, dread, or the unknown Do It...Do It Now! Do the work -

1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.



With Much Love,

Tonya

It's A Love Hate Relationship

It's true. I have a love hate relationship with the New Year. On one hand, it offers an amazing opportunity to evaluate my life, to take inventory of the good, nurturing those parts, while analyzing the bad, attempting to eliminate the things which do me harm both physically and spiritually. The proverbial other hand, however, holds the part of the New Year which has plagued me for many years. It's this part that reminds me that so much of the bad that I have attempted to eliminate in the past still stares me in the face.

I gave up on New Year's resolutions long ago. Anybody with me?  Years ago, I would spend hours internalizing perfectly worded statements of new year intentions. Every part of me expected the changing of the calendar to be the recipe for newness; so long grumpy, sarcastic, procrastinating Tonya. Any set back spelled failure and while I tell Axl on a daily basis to never give up I am a classic quitter (Sorry, transparency is not always pretty).  So I resolve to make no resolutions. Yet I cannot escape the temptation to evaluate and look to the hopes of the year ahead. The process this year has been less ummm shall we say... depressing. This year is screaming, "Growth!" Not "Change!" Obviously, with growth comes change, but growth is a process made up of small, gradual changes. I'm not looking to be a new me in a day. I'm solely seeking to continue the process that Jesus began in me when He sealed my fate and made me His own.

Growth is a choice. I can hear countless sermons, read endless devotions, and sing a thousand worship songs and never grow out of myself. This day I am choosing to continue to seek after Jesus, to have more and more of Him and less and less of me. I am choosing to accept that I will fail, and I am choosing now to accept the strength He will give me to begin again. I am choosing to ground myself in the Word of the Father, arming myself against defeat. Today, I am choosing to live as a forgiven, broken, but on the mend, child of the one true eternal God. I am making this choice for today, praying that tomorrow my choice will be the same.

Verses that are guiding me today:

Phillipians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.


Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh answer stirs up anger.


James 1:18-20 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because anger does not breed the righteousness that God desires.


You may want to check out "The Choice," a poem by Max Lucado. http://www.maxlucado.com/static/email_archive/2010/06.20.html


With Much Love,


Tonya